Unlearning a Language

There's many languages. And...I've been studying a language lately I'm sure we're all fluent, which is the language of lack. From my personal observations.. like really looking at myself. I've noticed I wasn't born knowing this language. It was taught. I'm not really sure as to when. But it was. This has to be one of the deadliest ways to use our breathe. was that intense? Because I totally meant for it to be. 

The language of lack is so powerful because it fogs our minds of the things that are our real truths. The things that are now recognized as the whispers of God. Before, these were the thoughts that boomed loudly. I am strong. I am enough. I am love. I am joy. Our current thoughts in this state reflects that we can't be strong. I will be joy. I might be love... is that not gut wrenching? This language that crept into our minds. Through others negative experiences we've adopted as our own. Our poisoned imaginations. In this space we question who, what, or even where God is. 

Buttt the thing about this language, is that its taught. It is not a part of your real self. my Soo, not practicing the language weakens its strength. Or in this case inhibits your fluency. And THIS is the rejoicing moment. Because right here, is when you decide the will be and the can't are REALLY the is. And I'm honestly cracking up, my mom is starring at me from somewhere for saying that.

Be careful to not impose this language on those you love. Actually use your words and thoughts to love yourself inwardly, first. To know ourselves from the inside out we grow to know God's voice without the clutter. In the words of one of my fav Instagram accounts "be softer with you, you are a breathing thing. a memory to someone. a home to a life," @nayyirah.waheed.

with love always,

I Want More

To feel. To want and experience. We all crave for closeness. To be one with something. With some one. Or the one. We all want more. We need more. Why? This complexity. The aspiration for evolvement. The idea that possibilities are undoubtedly endless... Do we not? Am I alone in this space? Not? K great. Good. Because, I need you too. 

I often think about the need for more. When I wake up in the morning I know my alarm goes off with the reminder of work. For more money. For my bills. For the the vacation. The food. The gift. I go for more. But, no matter what I go with a choice. The gift to do this is plentiful... Do you see what I mean? Not the gift to work, because this is beautiful. Like, let's break it down. Knowing you are fulfilling something, that is a gift. Bless God for this place, we all grow here. But back to what I was saying --

Wanting is a gift. When we recognize the power we have in knowing this we will change our perspective of more. This God given gift to want more  has been tasked with a negative crutch it never asked for. Which, I for one have cheered on that team. The reason I believe this is a gift is because, when we open our minds up to the opportunity to believe we allow God to be. And that is powerful. This is when the world itself shakes. This gift of expanding our realities. To see God in a broader capacity. This place changes lives by reminding them of their purposes..
 

And said, "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven". Matthew 18:3*

How often do you wonder about the home you want. Daydreaming about how it would feel at the beach. Wondering how satisfied you'd be giving to others.  I believe those things we daydream about a small portion of us believes its possible. One may call it imagination. Another, as myself, may call it faith... do you see why the innocent* is whom God speak of so highly? Our imaginative state we live in as a child knows all is possible because you're called. We are born with the desire to want more because God is more... The way we define more shifts as we experience life. So, what may hold the quality of more when we are pure will not appear the same when we're the opposite. And when I say pure I mean free. Free of shame, guilt, burdens, lack, people, places, tings.. ya? You get me man.

Now you may think, " I mean duh girl I want more, but I mean what else, thats it?" it kinda is... The thing about our desires is that God is fully aware. Like undeniably aware, because we're that tight. Like we're one. He knows. But, how do you feel about the things you want? Do you want your bills to be paid because it feels like a burden? And we don't like the way those feel of course. But that job is a pain too. Those co-workers are annoying too.. and.. and.... You're negative. How can you want more and not be happy from which the place your more will birth? 

I want more. A part of me wanting more has lead me to retire old habits and creating anew. My mores are my daydreams and I'm watching them unfold. Because I believe God, period. More is abundance. More is believing in the unimaginable and knowing it is possible just because. Lack does not existence. Not in the reality I want. I hope it doesn't exist in yours either. I do hope you missed me though :)

with love always,

To Live and to Feel

Fickle.

A word I've associated feelings with for the past few years.

Fickle is defined as something that changes quickly. Easily. Hmm, other words may be temporary, unstable. Fickle. Something that we obviously wouldn't want. I mean who wants something that changes so quickly. Such abruptness in our lives, eh?! We want security. We need surety. I need confidence.. you get me? So if our emotions, our feelings, are fickle, they are therefore, temporal. And we must not trust anything with lack of longevity in our lives, right?!

But.. you know what? Emotions are you. It defines us. Directs us. Guides us. You are feeling something right now, in this very moment. Awake. The swift breeze of the morning air. Hunger. The growl in your stomach. Intensity. The beat in your chest slowly..picking..up..pace. It's all a feeling and it all means you're alive. You're a living, breathing human. Made divinely. Experiencing. Feeling. Being. So, we've gotta ask.. what's so bad about that? What's so wrong with, feeling..

When I think of emotions, I immediately think of how I feel.. I think of a cool fall Saturday. With the rain dancing on the frame of the window pain. I feel the breeze through the window with my favorite Sade song playing. I feel the music. I feel my heart. I feel myself. I feel.. I think about love. 

We are connected. To feel is to be one with God. To be aligned with his presence is to feel.. To know Him, purely and with intent. To recognize the whispers of his heart. That is to feel.. now to fear.. thats the latter. This is what we usually equate emotions to. We relate it to situations through inadequacy, because we had a negative feeling. Something happened contrary to what we wanted or expected and we got hurt. Yup. It hurt. Then we blame everything that has to do with feelings as negative, unless it's love then. Yeah we want that. 

He has shown me that both feelings, hurt and love are equally important. Both hold a specific place and to lessen the significance of one feeling over another is lack of trust .. a lack of trust with God and myself. Like, can you admit that? You don't trust yourself. Why else would you refuse to feel? Because, the last time you did that.. The last time you took a chance, it hurt..

The idea we have of being emotional, wearing our hearts on our sleeves, the concept of being sensitive. Is translated as weak, well in the Western side of the world. But ... I cannot stop refuting this idea, because to feel, in any capacity is to be alive. To physically try. To fail and hurt. To redefine. To just go. Its freedom. What else is God? What else are we to be in this life, but free? Is he not freedom? Is he not fluid? Does he no transcend every capacity to define? Are those words from your lips at the attempt to describe how you feel.. fleeting? You feel that? The moment of that nothing compares to and all you can do is just ... feel. 

To feel is to be.

To be is to live.

With awareness. With control. With the knowledge that you're divinely connected to God. Contrary to popular belief, the fact that you have the guts to feel is beautiful. Strength is found here. In knowing what we deserve. In moving higher and believing we can afford better. To be one with God. 

Logolepsy

I don't know where I've been. 

Yup. No clue.

Well, sorta. What I mean is I don't know why I haven't wrote. Why I haven't written anything. Why haven't I poured myself out in the essence of words that is Me. That expands the horizon of my mind. The complex thoughts. The challenging realities. The place where I center myself. Where God unfolds before me.

Why haven't I been, here? This place. 

In that space.

I've been trying to sort out this answer for a while. I thought it was because I needed to get something sorted out first, you know?

Like, if I mentally organized my life then, I could get back. Or maybe my heart, it needed more time to heal, but in a romantic stance. A whole, "a six year type of thing," needs to heal way. But. That... Yeah that was an excuse and a lie. And then.. you know there is the physicality's of it all. Can't really ignore that. The moment I really looked at myself five months ago and dared to lift a weight. Yes. Correct, I'm literally lol'ing, because I know if you know me you're like, "wait what." Yeah. I lift weights now, okay stop laughing. Then I thought .. okay spiritually, writing is where God talks to me. Where I begin to understand what Jesus meant when He spoke of grace, love, sacrifice. So, that's it? The mental, emotional, physical, and BOOM spiritual.

So, I wrote.

I wrote a lot. I have tons in my drafts... And thats where it'll stay. Because it sucked lol. It wasn't.. there. I still wasn't there. The umph. The urge. The force within. You know the feeling of your favorite persons voice in your ear. The feeling of the hairs on the nape of your neck standing up when it's cold. The feeling of the perfect Sunday morning. The feeling you.. compare every single feeling to. That feeling. 

Because of that feeling - none of the above matched. I haven't been here, because I want to be there. So, you're probably like does anything you said matter? The whole taking a mental break, letting your little broken-heart heal, the gettin it right and tight, the being spiritually in-tune, does it matter then? Like. Why even compare any of that? You know, you're right to question me. Thats where I am too.

Wow, kinda comical huh? It matters. All of it matters. Every single thing I mentioned carries a heavy weight in my life. These things direct me in unthinkable ways. They make-up who I am. 

I don't know what I expected by projecting a feeling unto something that .. not that it is incomparable, but it is it's own. Each feeling we have derives itself from a specific place for a purpose that is important. But, it is its own. To give it the responsibility of another is ignorance. I call this ignorance, because if we know the purpose of something we're careful to not misplace it. We use that person/place/thing within its given context. We stretch its boundaries to reshape its flexibilities, because thats who we are as individuals. We grow and change in the marvel of life. But, this does not change the responsibilities of your hearts smile (you're welcome for that beautiful comparison). It all has its place. And let it be just that. Let it grow and expand as it chooses. Nourish it. Pull back when it says to. Get quiet when it demands. We do this in love. In the choice to love ourselves. And chill for a second, because I am NOT talking about the cheesy, I luh mahseff. Not at all. Like in a, "I want to be better in this so I'm gunna go do that," type of way. A, "that don't look right on you so don't wear it," that kinda way. A gut wrenching honest way that makes you, you. A way where you aren't comparing yourself to a single.living.breathing.soul, you feel me now? It is completely impossible to grow without this space. 

I've been asking myself lately, why is it "this" type of person gets this or that of which they want out of life. Being a person of choosing to always make the "right," choice, to be the better choice, the one on top. Yet still feeling as if I wasn't even close. I get it now. It's the love of thy self. The choice to nourish your soul with all the richness God gifts. To believe you can receive. To know. To trust. Can you do that? Trust? Yeah, I'm working on it too. We all are in one way or another I assume.

So, I guess I lied in the beginning. I know where I am.

I'm here.

But, I'm not available just here. I'm here living, learning, and loving in all aspects of my life. Because each is important. I need every component to be who I am, where I am, how I am. Because it makes-up everything. It's who I am.

With love always,

Aunteia Dashell

Processing Grief

Grief exposes itself in multiple forms throughout our lives. The physical death of a loved one. Being let go from a job, ending a romantic relationship, disconnecting from friends. Loosing something that has impacted your life in a significant way shifts your reality. In many ways these transitions are plainly seen in our attitudes or by discussing how we feel about this passing moment. Grief itself moves into our lives slowly. This isn't an abrupt effect, but instead it creeps upon you bringing with it memories and the most challenging thing - feelings. Grief always brings about different aspects of all people, but no matter what I can account on the shoulda, coulda, woulda revelation to happen. Everything you wish you would've done differently, and my personal favorite - wishing I would've listened to my inner self the first time.

Grief has a way of revealing aspects about ourselves and others in a way that doesn't seem as bad. So, if your situation was extremely messy once you're away from it everything suddenly seems bearable. "I was just overreacting." "If I woulda spoke up the first time this wouldn't have happened." "I knew better anyway." These are all excuses. What you felt was real. The possibility that you overreacted is possibly true, but that doesn't discredit what did happen. Don't run away and run to the shoulda, coulda, woulda - this is nothing, but a band-aid. A misrepresentation of what healing is. Because, ultimately that is our end goal with grief right? To heal. To be one's wholesome self that is evolving, and growing, right?! 

“Let your eyes look directly forward, and your graze be straight before you. Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure.”

— Proverbs 4:25-26

When I first started to write this my mind was only directed towards the shoulda, coulda, woulda aspects. I was only thinking about the things I usually sit on longer than it deserves. As I was writing I realized all of that is just a burden. A huge bag of stuff that I'm choosing to drag around with me. The whole baggage concept, you know? Picking things up along the way of life and never letting go. Just adding to your bag as life continues. Making it impossible for anything else to fill my life, your life. Our grasp becomes too full, because we're still stuck. We're still grieving. 

I have no magic formula. What I do have is confidence in knowing everything is positioned perfectly. I do have the confidence to listen to my spirit the first time it speaks. I do have the confidence to know that I do know what's best for me. Why are we so hesitate to admit that? To know that you know, own that. Handle yourself with care. Be gentle. Be aware. Be honest. Just don't stay, you can't afford to stay. 

If you think you're processing any sort of grief heres a list to examine yourself. Remember this isn't limited to one thing, because feelings are transferable. 

1. Denial & Isolation - The ultimate defense. Numbness to a new reality. The first wave of emotions and also the easiest cycle one may engage.

2. Anger - As a mask to accept one's new reality. Due to a newness in vulnerability anger appears because of misunderstandings.

3. Bargaining - In an attempt to control the situation we begin to do the *shoulda, coulda, woulda. This resolves into guilt.

4. Depression - Sadness and regret may appear. We desire clarity and reassurance. Most importantly this happens privately. More often than not all that is desired is a hug. *engaging our senses aide in recovery.

5. Acceptance - Everyone will not achieve this, because everyone doesn't want to *insert some kinda smirk. No one can tell you you've achieved this, but you. One's truest form of recognition is peace at the thought of and/or discussion of what was grieved. 

Grant yourself grace. After all, you deserve it. Rejoice in knowing greater is coming only, because you are greater. 

With love always,

Aunteia Dashell

These 20 Somethings

If God wanted to extend the emotional feels of our puberty days, I'm talking 12-13ish, I'd say our 20's is just that. I know I can hear an older, wiser, and mature adults saying "quit crying." But whatever lol. That little cliche' we see around social media from time to time that says, "our 20's is like being old enough to have everything together yet too young to know how." Frankly, I pride myself on my mental security. I'm pretty stable, my life is showering with blessings daily I'm sure I hardly even account for. Nonetheless, I still find myself feeling inadequate and confused with my successful 24 year old self. I mean it could be the slight approach to the quarter life crisis (ew, what) or that itch from recently graduating #UCOAlum. Whatever it is I find the same shady and incomplete feelings in my friends.

Our realities seem to be super phased out. People are ACTUALLY getting married, asking you to be in their weddings, your bringing gifts to your friends baby showers, you have a whole savings account for life's necessities and not just trips. I'm a bit melo-dramatic so chill with me a bit, lol. In the peak of our adulthood, in the moment where life is utterly confusing yet blissfully amazing we feel stuck. For about a week I've been wondering what makes our 30's,40's 50's + so different? What happens? In conversation and just watching folks interaction I think it's fearlessness. 

I care about everything. If it'll be humid and my hair is gunna poof. If I coated my lashes enough times. If I should've gotten a coffee tomorrow instead of today. The way that stranger thinks I look in my dress. If he's ever gunna call back. If I'll ever really learn how to cook. If.. If.. If.. Iiifffff ... see the pattern? I place so much value and empty faith in these "ifs." 

The act of living life free. Like free as my hair freshly washed and air dried and feels like peppermint oil on my fresh scalp - least I'd assume lol. But seriously - fear becomes an attachment to our souls, which breeds regrets and a life filled of "what ifs." I think this is the real captive of our young adulthood - more or less, because we aren't our TRUE selves. 

So - what is the opposite of fear? I googled it and it said "not courage," lol kinda sucks huh?! I think it's just faith. Faith is funny because it isn't represented in just the "hopeful" ways but in the "UGHHHH OKAYYY." When you gotta make yourself keep on keeping on. When you begin to believe in your on life more than any ounce of your melo-dramatic ways :). You know that scripture, "God has not given you a spirit of fear...." Yeah I like that one, but I wanna share my favorite one. I share it a lot - but I speak this over myself more than once a week. For me it's comforting and reassuring, because I understand in this season of my 20's much will change.

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed (Deut. 31:8).

There's been three maajjoorr keys I've picked up in the past couple months. I've done one of these forever and the other two I can't do without.

Reading. Praying with a friend. Meditating.

I've partnered with Audible you can click here and receive a month's free trial. I believe reading is essential. Sometimes we get busy and it can be difficult to actually sit down and read. Download the Audible app and listen to the Bible or anything else your interested in, a cookbook?! I'm currently on Charlamagne tha god's new book and its hilarious. His ideologies are slightly different from my own, but I can rock with it. *This is a paid sponsorship.

I have a friend that is dependable and she holds me accountable to pray every.single.day. Like clock work, it doesn't matter if I'm tired or seriously NOT feeling like praying. She prays for what I feel like I can't. This has been such a shift. To have that consistency is refreshing for my personal prayer life too! Plus!!! Where two or more are gathered, it's lit (Matt 18:20).

I've picked up meditating. In moments where I feel flustered Four-Part Breathing has been a maajjoorrr game changer. I follow along a guided meditation created by Shelah Marie. It's available via Spotify, iTunes and YouTube. My personal favorite tracks are  Authentic Voice and Acceptance  

with love always,

Aunteia Dashell