Processing Grief
Grief exposes itself in multiple forms throughout our lives. The physical death of a loved one. Being let go from a job, ending a romantic relationship, disconnecting from friends. Loosing something that has impacted your life in a significant way shifts your reality. In many ways these transitions are plainly seen in our attitudes or by discussing how we feel about this passing moment. Grief itself moves into our lives slowly. This isn't an abrupt effect, but instead it creeps upon you bringing with it memories and the most challenging thing - feelings. Grief always brings about different aspects of all people, but no matter what I can account on the shoulda, coulda, woulda revelation to happen. Everything you wish you would've done differently, and my personal favorite - wishing I would've listened to my inner self the first time.
Grief has a way of revealing aspects about ourselves and others in a way that doesn't seem as bad. So, if your situation was extremely messy once you're away from it everything suddenly seems bearable. "I was just overreacting." "If I woulda spoke up the first time this wouldn't have happened." "I knew better anyway." These are all excuses. What you felt was real. The possibility that you overreacted is possibly true, but that doesn't discredit what did happen. Don't run away and run to the shoulda, coulda, woulda - this is nothing, but a band-aid. A misrepresentation of what healing is. Because, ultimately that is our end goal with grief right? To heal. To be one's wholesome self that is evolving, and growing, right?!
“Let your eyes look directly forward, and your graze be straight before you. Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure.”
When I first started to write this my mind was only directed towards the shoulda, coulda, woulda aspects. I was only thinking about the things I usually sit on longer than it deserves. As I was writing I realized all of that is just a burden. A huge bag of stuff that I'm choosing to drag around with me. The whole baggage concept, you know? Picking things up along the way of life and never letting go. Just adding to your bag as life continues. Making it impossible for anything else to fill my life, your life. Our grasp becomes too full, because we're still stuck. We're still grieving.
I have no magic formula. What I do have is confidence in knowing everything is positioned perfectly. I do have the confidence to listen to my spirit the first time it speaks. I do have the confidence to know that I do know what's best for me. Why are we so hesitate to admit that? To know that you know, own that. Handle yourself with care. Be gentle. Be aware. Be honest. Just don't stay, you can't afford to stay.
If you think you're processing any sort of grief heres a list to examine yourself. Remember this isn't limited to one thing, because feelings are transferable.
1. Denial & Isolation - The ultimate defense. Numbness to a new reality. The first wave of emotions and also the easiest cycle one may engage.
2. Anger - As a mask to accept one's new reality. Due to a newness in vulnerability anger appears because of misunderstandings.
3. Bargaining - In an attempt to control the situation we begin to do the *shoulda, coulda, woulda. This resolves into guilt.
4. Depression - Sadness and regret may appear. We desire clarity and reassurance. Most importantly this happens privately. More often than not all that is desired is a hug. *engaging our senses aide in recovery.
5. Acceptance - Everyone will not achieve this, because everyone doesn't want to *insert some kinda smirk. No one can tell you you've achieved this, but you. One's truest form of recognition is peace at the thought of and/or discussion of what was grieved.
Grant yourself grace. After all, you deserve it. Rejoice in knowing greater is coming only, because you are greater.
With love always,
Aunteia Dashell